Damn it Feels Good to Be a Hamsta (Teemo’s Lament)

Um… strong language ahead. Please don’t read if that makes you queasy.

 

 

Damn it feels good to be a hamsta
A real hamsta-ass yordle stays out of sight
A real hamsta-ass yordle plants his shrooms up in yo bush
Cuz real hamsta-ass yordles don’t start fights
And yordles always got the feather in their cap
Showin’ all his boys how he shot em
But real hamsta-ass yordles don’t flex much
Cuz real hamsta-ass yordles know they got em
And everything’s cool in the mind of a hamsta
Cuz hamsta-ass yordles think deep
Up three-sixty-five a year 24/7
Cuz real hamsta ass yordles don’t sleep

And all I gotta say to you
Wu and Xin, Vi and Tryn, Gnar and Ken, and Shaco fuckin’ pranksta
Cuz when the shroom kills you what the fuck you gonna do
Damn it feels good to be a hamsta

Damn it feels good to be a hamsta
Feedin’ my jungle helping ward his bush
Although I was born in Kumungu
Now I’m in the Rift helping crush
Damn it feels good to be a hamsta
I mean one that you can’t really find
Pushin’ down the lane, watching Lee Sin go insane
Laughing when I really make him blind
Now hamsta-ass yordles come in all shapes and colors
Bronze silver gold and da plat
But this hamsta here is a smart one
Someday my rank will show that

Now all I gotta say to you
Wu and Xin, Vi and Tryn, Gnar and Ken, and Shaco fuckin’ pranksta
When the shroom kills you what the fuck you gonna do
Damn it feels good to be a hamsta

Damn it feels good to be a hamsta
A real gangta-ass yordle knows the thing
Real hamsta-ass yordles get the flyest of the girlies
Ask that hamsta-ass yordle Heimerding

Now girlies look at hamsta-ass yordles like a stop sign
Like a deer in a trap they get caught
But catch Poppy all alone get the speargun make her moan
and she be lovin it with everything she’s got
Cuz hamsta-ass yordles be the team fighters
And everythings quiet when we clique
A hamsta-ass yordle pulls the trigger
And his partners in the posse will finish it
Real hamsta-ass yordles don’t talk much
All ya hear is the mushroom’s black blast
And real hamsta-ass yordles don’t brawl for shit
Cuz real hamsta-ass yordles run damn fast
Now when you in the Baron’s pit talkin’ shit do the shit
My team knows and they’re gonna shank ya
Cause I planted a motherfucking garden there
Damn it feels good to be a hamsta

And now, a word from my summoner!
Damn it feels good to be a hamsta
Even though the global taunt is getting worse
Win or lose, good or bad I’m the worst you’ve ever had
My own team wants to see me in a hearse
So every now and then I have trouble and get down
like feeding Darius or Katrina
Do you really need to call me shitmo or worse
and keep thowin’ me in the latrine-ah
So players of the world I ain’t about to quit
And I promise I’ll carry if I can
Trash talkers don’t upset me cause I know they too are shit
It’s just a motherfucking game
To all you Summoners, that helped me win
I sincerely like to thank you
Cuz now I got the league swimmin’ in shrooms
And damn it feels good to be a hamsta

 

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The Road Trip That Wasn’t: Day 63, 2/15/2015, Austin

We woke the kids up at 6:00 and strapped them into their seats and seatbelts, then let them fall back asleep. I kicked the RV into gear and we hit the road. It’s 435 miles from Big Bend National Park to Austin, Texas, and there’s not a whole hell of a lot between here and there. We wanted to get there early enough to see the Capitol building and go on the tour, so at the break of dawn we were gone. Up the 395 and then right turn at the I10. I am pretty sure we will have navigated the entire length of I10 before we end this road trip.

We stopped for lunch and gas in Sonora, Texas, a quiet little town in gentle hills. Then about 2:00 in the afternoon, we pulled into the state capital of Texas: Austin.

Austin Texas Lake Front

 

We didn’t have a lot of time to find the Capitol building, because Capitol tours are only held from noon to 3:30 on Sundays. But as luck would have it, for the first time since Utah, we had ourselves a dome! It was as magnificent as you’d expect from Texas, although I guess we’ll see similar buildings later in the year: the architect of this building also designed Michigan and Colorado’s Capitol buildings too.

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After the tour, we cleaned up, did our laundry and waited for my friend W.H. Lock to pick us up for dinner. We were headed for a Texas treasure, a little hole in the wall that always has a line out the door: Franklin’s.

Franklin Barbecue is one of those kinds of places that you always see on television: the successful BBQ restaurant that people travel hundreds of miles to try. The owner was a judge on the BBQ Pitmasters show (think “American Idol” with charcoal and hickory wood). I haven’t had BBQ on the menu since we ate at Moe’s in Pismo, so I was looking forward to their specialty, the beef brisket. Texas BBQ is about the dry rub, so after a wait of about 90 minutes, that was the exact thing I ordered.

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In the kitchen, we saw the magic happen. The meat is slow-cooked over low heat for hours, with an amazing spice rub infusing the beef with a flavor that is just… mmmmmm. I’m drooling as I type this, so please forgive the water stains on the screen. THANK you, W.H. This was a great choice.

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Austin gave us the entire Texas experience, even considering how short a time we had to spend there. We saw the seat of Texas government, we had the choicest of Texas barbecue, and we had a great time catching up with good friends. Plus, I think Arwen really liked meeting W.H.’s son, who’s about the same age. Do pen pals even exist in this generation? Twitterbuddies?

Tomorrow we’re going to do something else we haven’t done since California. Beach day!

We were (not) in Austin, Texas on 2/15. Can you guess where we’ll (not) be on 2/22? There’s a $5 bounty for the first person to guess. All you gotta do is comment below with your guess before midnight tonight. Winner announced when the 2/22 post goes live.

(The Road Trip That Never Was is a fictional account of a year-long road trip I am (not) taking across America. Follow my nomadic journey by subscribing to the email feed on the top right. It’s fun, fast and free!)

 

Hey, if you’re a fan of steampunk, why not check out W.H.’s short stories? They’re pretty good, and instantly available on Kindle or other ebook format: W.H. Lock on Amazon.

 

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The Road Trip That Wasn’t: Day 62, 2/14/2015, Big Bend National Park

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DINOSAURS!

Today was Dinosaur Day for our family, as we set out to find as many dino fossils as we could at Big Bend National Park. Sure, we’ve seen fossilized trees, and fossilized coral reefs. Today we were going after the good stuff. Dinosaur fossils! Unfortunately, it turns out that by federal law, you can’t take any fossils from the park. As Indiana Jones would say: they belong in a museum. And all of the really important archaeological dig sites are off limits.

But then, well, then I discovered something a little more personally cool to me. One of the few places you can go to find archaeological awesomeness is a place called Castolon. It’s a lot like Calico Silver Mine was in California — a well maintained ghost town. It was originally settled in 1901, and the first building built anywhere in the West Texas area came to be known as the Alvino House. Which so happens to be my dad’s name!

Alvino’s not the kind of name you see every day, so when I found out there was a place with my dad’s name on it, well, I was all over that! We hiked to Castolon, and I got a picture with the house named after my dad. How awesome is that?!

Alvino_House_2[1]It’s, uh, not much of a house.

After that, on my children’s request, we went to the place they’d wanted to go all day: Panther Junction Visitor’s Center. I mean, today was about visiting dinosaurs, and even though it’s my dad’s birthday in a few weeks, well, he doesn’t quite count as a dinosaur quite yet!

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I surprised my wife with a Valentine’s Day present of a Big Bend National Park t-shirt and a lovely steak dinner. We set the kids up with movies in the RV, and sat under the stars enjoying our meal and the amazing light show that is the Milky Way. Big Bend National Park was AWESOME. This has been a great couple of days. Tomorrow we’re heading into Austin. We’ve got to refuel, do laundry, all that stuff — and it’s the capital of Texas, of course. My good friend (and author!) W.H. Lock has also promised me some of Austin’s finest chow, and that’s worth the 8 hour drive itself (almost!).

We’re going to have to leave early.

We were (not) in Big Bend National Park on 2/14. Can you guess where we’ll (not) be on 2/21? There’s a $5 bounty for the first person to guess. All you gotta do is comment below with your guess before midnight tonight. Winner announced when the 2/21 post goes live.

(The Road Trip That Never Was is a fictional account of a year-long road trip I am (not) taking across America. Follow my nomadic journey by subscribing to the email feed on the top right. It’s fun, fast and free!)

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The Road Trip That Wasn’t: Day 61, 2/13/2015, Big Bend National Park

It boggles my mind, but as large and vast as Texas is, the state has only two National Parks. The first was Guadalupe Mountains National Park, the other is Big Bend National Park, and it’s a straight shot south from Guadalupe, a little over 4 hours away, near the West Texas/Mexican border. It is the largest swath of unpaved road in Texas, and it is literally miles from anything, anyone, or anywhere.

As the National Park Service describes it:

There is a place in Far West Texas where night skies are dark as coal and rivers carve temple-like canyons in ancient limestone. Here, at the end of the road, hundreds of bird species take refuge in a solitary mountain range surrounded by weather-beaten desert. Tenacious cactus bloom in sublime southwestern sun, and diversity of species is the best in the country. This magical place is Big Bend.

We drove south, and noticed the terrain taking the more familiar “western desert” look and feel that we’d experienced in New Mexico and Arizona. A National Parks alert warned us of severe drought in the region, so we made sure the RV was fully stocked with water, and we drove on. Finally, about 2:00 in the afternoon (and with a temperature of 90 degrees?!) we reached the edge of America, the outer limits of Texas, another of our nation’s desolate beauties: Big Bend National Park.

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There is significant archaeological, historical, and cultural relevance to this land. Thousands of fossils have been found here, from the Cretaceous and other ages. The Rio Grande river runs through the southern-most length of the park: on one side of that river you’re in America, and enjoying the National Park. On the other side of the river you’re in Mexico. The famous Comanche Trail ran through these hills.

It’s also famous for being an official Dark Sky park. Big Bend is so far from civilization, that it is one of only ten places on earth certified for deep sky viewing at night. You know I was waiting to see that, and the weather looked like it was only too happy to cooperate! We waited for night to fall, and O.

M.

G.

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I don’t think my kids appreciate astronomy as much as I do. I could stare at this stuff all night, but they get antsy if there aren’t video game effects and music playing. They went to bed grumbling about how dark and cold it got, and why couldn’t they have a fire and I was like “IT WOULD RUIN THE VIEWING!” It was all about the heavens on this night. Texas got this part right. This is a national treasure. Best stargazing of the road trip so far, and I think it’ll be hard to top it anywhere down the line.

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Unfreakingbelievable. Wow. Felgercarb. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. I couldn’t describe this view in entish. I went to bed much, much too soon. I wanted to stay out there all night, just soaking in starlight, but we’ve got some dinosaur hunting to do tomorrow, and as the dad, I’m required to be the expedition leader.

I said good night to the universe and climbed into the RV, clambored into bed, kissed the wife and fell asleep with a big, big smile on my face.

We were (not) in Big Bend National Park on 2/13. Can you guess where we’ll (not) be on 2/20? There’s a $5 bounty for the first person to guess. All you gotta do is comment below with your guess before midnight tonight. Winner announced when the 2/20 post goes live.

(The Road Trip That Never Was is a fictional account of a year-long road trip I am (not) taking across America. Follow my nomadic journey by subscribing to the email feed on the top right. It’s fun, fast and free!)

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The Road Trip That Wasn’t: Day 60, 2/12/2015, Guadalupe Mountains National Park

Day 60. Wow. That’s like… two months. 2/15 will be the official two month anniversary of Road Trip 2015, but day 60 feels like a major milestone. In the last 60 days, we’ve been to 7 states, 17 National Parks, and covered more than 5000 miles already. We’re only done with one state, so in the next 290 days we’ve still got 48 more states to visit, 45 more state capitals, 32 Major League Baseball stadiums, and and 32 National Parks. Thanks for following along as we make this amazing journey together. If you like what we’re trying to do, it would be awesome if you’d add your name to the email notification list (on the right, just over there —–>)

We spent the night in Guadalupe Mountains National Park and woke up to a brisk, cold morning. The weather is definitely turning toward a late, frigid winter. Most of the eastern seaboard is getting socked in with snow, and we may be heading into the teeth of that. Today, though we decided to ascend to the pinnacle of the Guadalupe Mountains: Mount Guadalupe. I think they call it Guadalupe Peak.

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Is that a bad-ass-looking mountain or what? The highest point in Texas, it may not be the biggest of them all, but it’s a formidable-looking hombre, as they say down here, I reckon. It’s also a 6-8 hour hike. We had to leave early. Fortunately the trailhead starts at the RV Campsites, and the steepest part of the climb is pretty early on. We took our time, paced ourselves, and thanked the heavens for our “training” — the Grand Canyon descent/ascent.

The brochure says the view gets better and better with each switchback, and they’re not lying. Texas is beautiful, and you can’t see more of it from anywhere better than you can from the summit of Guadalupe Peak. There’s a strange monolith at the top, possibly placed there by ancient astronauts, to help guide their people over to Roswell, just a celestial hop, skip and jump to the north.

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This was a climb and a half, but fun, a great adventure, and absolutely rewarding at the end. It reminded me a lot in difficulty and length of the trail from Yosemite Valley to Half Dome in Yosemite. I’ll see if we can’t make a more accurate comparison when we get to Yosemite later in the year. After lunch and a rest, we trudged back down to the RV. We’re leaving Guadalupe Mountains National Park in the morning, which is sad. This was a gorgeous park, full of the colors and terrain I love. I’d really like to come back here someday. Maybe I’ll schedule that in the next road trip!

We were (not) in Guadalupe Mountains National Park on 2/12. Can you guess where we’ll (not) be on 2/19? There’s a $5 bounty for the first person to guess. All you gotta do is comment below with your guess before midnight tonight. Winner announced when the 2/19 post goes live.

(The Road Trip That Never Was is a fictional account of a year-long road trip I am (not) taking across America. Follow my nomadic journey by subscribing to the email feed on the top right. It’s fun, fast and free!)

 

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