The Six Star Wars Movies Disney *WILL* Make

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Posted by Deek is Right Friday, January 04, 2013 1:59:00 PM Categories: Disney Movies Star Wars

 

Ever since the announced sale of the Star Wars universe to Disney, there has been rampant speculation as to where the new owners of the Galactic Empire will direct it. Old-school fanboys desperately want to see the continuation of the original characters from Episodes IV-VI, possibly including stories told and expanded on in comic books and novels. Modern fans who are enjoying the Clone Wars cartoons clamor for feature-length movies in this era. Others would like to see reboots of the original series, and another group would like to see the franchise headed off into new, unexplored directions.  These are all good, viable options, each with their own benefits and drawbacks.

But there’s something that needs to be considered here. Disney has a very long, established, proud(?) tradition of doing something specific to every classic film in their library:

Direct to Video DVD sequels.


Even not-so-classic movies get the sequel.

Come on. This is the company that made Cinderella 2 and Cinderella 3, The Lion King 1 ½, and Bambi 2. *Every* single movie in their library has a bad Direct-to-DVD title after it. So expect a sequel for every Star Wars movie. I mean it. It’s coming. And based on my extensive library of very bad Disney sequels (a repercussion of owning children), I can state authoritatively for the first (and possibly last) time, the six Star Wars sequels that Disney will send straight to DVD.

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Star Wars Episode I 2: Jar Jar’s Big Adventure

Jar Jar Binks, the most detested Star Wars character of all time for anyone over the age of 12 is, unfortunately for all of us, one of the most beloved characters of Star Wars fans UNDER 12. And that’s Disney’s breadbasket. So eat it, fanboys. It’s coming. It’s coming.


"I'm as disappointed to learn this as you are."

In this delightful sequel, our hero Jar Jar Binks returns home to Gungan City only to find that Boss Nass is stepping down, and has decided that Jar Jar should replace him as leader. Palace intrigue in the form of the evil Bongo Bobongo (voiced by a delightfully smarmy Tim Curry)  arises though, and Jar Jar is accused of stealing the Boss’s prized Glow Egg of Gilbattar. It’s up to Jar Jar – without the help of his famous jedi friends – to find the egg, clear his name, and stop Bongo from turning Gungan City into a secret underwater manufacturing zone for more Trade Federation battle droids.

 

Star Wars Episode II 2: Clone War Armageddon

This one might actually not suck (there are some Direct-to-DVD sequels that are not half bad, surprisingly. This would be one of them). The Clone Wars television series is based in the time period between Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, so an Episode II sequel would naturally fall in the same time period. This would be a brilliant opportunity to let the Clone Wars development team have a shot at a big-budget, full production value, feature-length film that goes balls-to-the-wall with the characters we already know and love, in the cartoon format everyone’s already familiar with.

(c) http://kondaspeter.deviantart.com/I would not say "no" to some sexy-time scenes with Ahsoka, either


 

Star Wars Episode III 2: The Princess and the Pauper

This will be the one that establishes Princess Leia as an official “Disney Princess”. As a young girl, a petulant Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan is tired of waiting in the family’s luxury starcraft while parked at Tatooine for repairs. She sneaks out, escaping the over-protective droid NT24 (pronounced Aunty Too-far) where she meets a young boy named Luke who looks a lot like her. He’s hiding from his Uncle Owen, who has the young boy working like a slave on moisture vaporators. They agree to try and swap, since at a young age, hell, who could tell a boy from a girl, right? Comedy and mayhem abound, until Leia accidentally runs afoul of Jabba the Hutt, and Luke gets discovered by NT24. It’s a good thing that crazy old hermit in the desert happens to stop by to help solve their dilemma…

(c) http://sketchymcdrawpants.wordpress.com/2012/10/31/disney-princess-leia/

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Star Wars Episode IV 2: Scoundrels

There is a novel out right now that tells the story of what happened to Han’s reward money, and why he wasn’t able to pay off Jabba between episodes IV and V. It’s called Scoundrels, and it’s awesome. If Disney DOES make any of these sequels, I pray to every God in every culture ever, up to and including Ceiling Cat and the Flying Spaghetti Monster, that they turn that novel into the script for this movie.

Seriously, check it out. The book's awesome  

Star Wars Episode V 2: The Great Rescue

The greatest wingman and copilot of all time is Chewbacca. You know this. I know this. Disney’s GOTTA know this. So finally, Chewie gets his own movie. The Great Rescue will be the story of how Chewbacca and Princess Leia set about preparing their roles for the rescue of Han Solo. Except, the movie becomes a rescue mission of its own. It turns out that en route to Tatooine, Leia and Chewie learn that one of his family, long-enslaved by the empire is aboard a slave ship headed to Kessel. Despite his life-debt to Han, Leia knows this might be his last, only chance to rescue any of his kin, and she persuades him to undergo a rescue. With the help of a cantankerous R5D4 unit, they manage to not only save Chewbacca’s sister, but establish the identity of Leia as a bounty hunter, as she’s the one who “captures” Chewy in the final scenes of the movie, setting up Episode VI perfectly.

All right, MrDeMilleI'm ready for my close-up

Star Wars Episode VI 2: The Flight of the Ewok

The Ewoks have a terrible problem. A massive space station in orbit over their planet has just exploded, and the debris from its destruction is slated to wipe out the entire area they live. Wicket, along with the Golden God of the Ewoks, C3P0 have to work with R2D2, Chewbacca, and Han Solo to get the Ewoks to safety. All almost goes to plan, until a gigantic piece of Death Star II crashes into Endor, trapping them all inside. While Luke and Leia continue to work outside the steel trap to move the rest of the Ewoks, Han and Chewie attempt to get their friends out – despite the efforts of crazed storm troopers, archaic battle droids, and a rabid mouse droid with Napoleon syndrome. 

At the end of the day, though, everything works out for the good. How could it not? This is Disney’s universe now. We just get to live in it. 

 

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(c) 2012 David W. Clary
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